It's been a dozen years, or so, since I began this journey with cancer. I'm tired.
Every day I wake up, I have to make the decision again. Do I keep trying? It is the first decision of the day. The answer used to come easily. Of course I'll keep trying! The alternative was considered briefly and then quickly discarded. These day, however, surrender tempts me. I am oh so tired of the fight. The thought of surrender is beginning to feel like an act of accepting peace. The thought has been sneaking up on me bit by bit for the past year. I think of closing my eyes and drifting off to that place where the struggle is over.
Today, I found some energy somewhere and went to the gym. I spent 65 minutes on the treadmill,then I got into the swimming pool for some laps. This is what a long term cancer warrior must do. Without maintaining my strength I may not survive the next tumor, the next surgery or the next treatment. It is not an option. I get my tired old ass out of my chair and I work at being the best warrior that I can be to fight this shitty, impossible disease of mine.
This is how I have survived 11 years beyond my original prognosis. It's not magic. It's hard frickin' work. And....did I mention that I'm so very tired of the fight?!!
I'll most likely get up tomorrow and do it again. I'm not completely ready to toss in the towel. When that day comes, though, don't call me a quitter or accuse me of giving up too easily. When the day comes that I decide not to fight any longer, rest assured that I've given it a great deal of thought and that I am at peace with the decision. I hope that everyone else will be at peace with it as well.
