I have been living with cancer for 12 years. This past year was the worst. It was the Black Hole in my life. I seem to have come out the other side, intact and happy. And Oh So filled with Gratitude.
Last September things got ugly. I began to have to odd sensation in my head. I can only describe it as the feeling that the lower section of my brain was floating away. I would lose focus, become dizzy and lose balance entirely. Vertigo.....nausea.....suicidal thoughts. I could not walk without help. The first time it occurred I thought it was a stroke, or perhaps a tumor in my brain. Bill asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I told him I preferred to die at home. (Yes, i did believe it was my last day on earth), Eventually it subsided and I spent the night on the bathroom floor with blanket and pillow.
This scene was repeated dozens of times over the next months.
I began to lose my hearing during this time.
I saw and ENT in addition to my oncologist. Later I was referred to an audiologist. Brain Cat Scans, MRI. No one could figure it out.
Meanwhile I began wishing for the end to come. I wanted OUT. I came to understand why people give up and choose to die. Quality of life matters. When you are unable to lift your head off the pillow or even open your eyes with out becoming nauseated, it is time to make a decision. I was so there!
Then something wonderful happened.
March 6th I went in for my Cat Scan and Oncologist appt. The tumor had grown. The chemo wasn't working.
March 6th, the last day I took Votrient. March 6th, the last day I felt my brain floating way, my legs giving out beneath me, and the extreme nausea that comes with vertigo. The last time I swallowed those 4 pills was the last day that I thought I was dying. Damned Votrient was creating havoc in my head!!! Cancer drugs are serious business and side effects are not always predictable or easy to understand and identify as such.
I am on immuniotherapy now. It worked for Jimmy Carter. It can work for me. And I feel GREAT. I will scan on June 21. I have high hopes. In the meanwhile I am enjoying life....enjoying my grandkids...the rain, the sunshine and whatever else comes my way. The Black Hole is behind me. My hearing loss is most likely permanent. I'll be followed by my audiologist for the next year. No worries. Hearing aids work great and I've got my life back. And to all of those who chose to withhold judgement while I was struggling, my eternal gratitude.
This will be the best summer ever.
