Facebook and other Confusion

I have shut down my facebook for now, or forever.  It can sometimes be a brutal environment.  On sick days, which have become all too frequent,  I am all too vulnerable.  Right now I surround myself  with those who understand the difficulty of this disease that I live with...

One More Day, a Warrior

It's been a dozen years, or so, since I began this journey with cancer.  I'm tired.
Every day  I wake up, I have to make the decision again. Do I keep trying?  It is the first decision of the day.  The answer  used to come  easily.  Of course I'll keep trying!   The alternative was considered briefly and then quickly discarded.  These day, however, surrender tempts me.  I am oh so tired of the fight.   The thought of surrender is beginning to feel like an act of accepting peace.  The thought has been sneaking up on me bit by bit for the past year. I think of closing my eyes and drifting off to that place where the struggle is over.
Today, I found some energy somewhere and went to the gym.    I spent 65 minutes on the treadmill,then I got into the swimming pool for some laps.   This is what a long term cancer warrior must do. Without maintaining my strength I may not survive the next  tumor, the next surgery or the next treatment.  It is not an option.  I get my tired old ass out of my chair and I work at being the best warrior that I can be to fight this shitty, impossible disease of mine.  
This is how I have survived 11 years beyond my original prognosis.   It's not magic.  It's hard frickin' work.  And....did I mention that I'm so very  tired of the fight?!!

I'll most likely get up tomorrow and do it again.  I'm not completely ready to toss in the towel.   When that day comes, though,  don't call me a quitter or accuse me  of giving up too easily.  When the day comes that I decide not to fight any longer,  rest  assured that I've given it a great deal of thought and that I am at peace with the decision.  I hope that everyone else will be at peace with it as well.

The Whole Dying thing....

The whole dying thing is so trippy.   It's a real game changer when you finally absorb the fact,  with absolute certainty that it's not just something that will happen to 'somebody else'.  As silly as this sounds, there is a level of understanding that comes to the elderly....and the terminally ill.  It's a different level of understanding.  It's real.
In that moment in time when the full reality of death came to me, my body shook for hours, uncontrollably.   It was raw horror.  Some time later I reviewed my memory of this day in my life.  I was somewhat shocked to realize how emotionally divorced from the reality of death I had been.  That was 11 years ago.  The horror dissolved into a calm acceptance.   I am no longer  afraid.

 That day  was the beginning of what I now think of  as my "real life".   Everything before that moment now seems like a dress rehearsal.  It was only in my full embracing of the temporary nature of my existence  that I found the full value of my life.
I could write a book on all the ways in which perspective, priorities, my life has changed since that day.  I won't do that.   I will   just make note of it here.  Everyone will understand eventually....even if only for a brief moment before their own death.   It is an incredible experience and it leads to an end of so much of what we run from and fear.

Yikes! I did it!

Off treatment for 3 days , back on treatment 3 days.........and sick again  :(
It's become abundantly clear to me that I must either give up treatment or give up my job.  I've gutted it out as long as I can.  The time has come.  Today I resigned from my job.  My last day of employment on will be Aug 18th.  The nausea and fatigue have at last overwhelmed me and forced my hand.  I'm choosing LIFE.  I'm choosing to continue the fight.  I don't have the energy to both fight and work, so I willl fight.
I came home today  and had a good cry on Bill's shoulder after turning in my resig.   I've loved my job and the tremendous satisfaction it's given me over the past dozen years.  I love my co-workers and will most certainly miss their company.   I also love my life and I know that I do not get sufficient rest for someone fighting a disease like cancer.
And at this moment my husband is happy as can be that I have FINALLY agreed to relax and take better care of myself.

The dust is beginning to settle on this  and I'm growing more and more confident that I've chosen right.  I'm exhausted!

Belly aches and Heart aches

It's been one of those bellyache days.  I've spent most of the day in my recliner reading, meditating, studying & thinking.  Physical movement turns ache to nausea, so here I sit.  It's not so bad.  It's just not how I planned on spending my day.
I've reached the midway point of my "online retreat"  with Pema Chodron.  I'm loving it.  I do wish that I could have spent this time with a bit more solitude.  My life is exactly what I've made it...busy!!  So, I am catching my quiet moments as I can.

My heart leaps with joy at the recent Supreme Court decision to allow our gay community the joy of marriage.  It's a time of celebration for all the members of the community as well as for people like myself who care passionately about human rights.  I wish you Peace, Love and Happiness my gay friends.

But there is heart ache as well.  I feel a stab of pain in my heart each time the opposition throws a spear at the gay community, out of their misguided sense of moral superiority. I hurt when I see the FB postings that are clearly so judgemental.   I cringe to think of the pain that is and has been laid upon the homosexual community because some can not resist the temptation to project their own self loathing  upon  an entire sector of our society.  Why???  What purpose has it served, other than to hurt people?  When has hurting other human beings ever been anything but wrong?   How is this justified in the twisted reasoning of the perpetrators?  What kind of selfishness demands happiness for themselves, yet denies it to others?

At the end of the day, however, I am encouraged.  We have made another leap forward in the area of human rights.  Those who have sought to oppress have suffered another defeat.
God Bless America

Carry Me

Carry me, Sweet Death
into the presence of all I have loved.

Carry me to the rural fields of my youth
that I might drink, one last time,
the aroma of the earth
And sense the wind on my soul.

Carry me, Sweet Death
To each lesson I've learned,
It's cost to my loved ones
and it's enduring value.

Carry me to the places
of my children's birth.
Let me hold their little hands
and know that it has  been good.

Carry me, Sweet Death,
to each place of Peace
discovered and cherished
and let me remember for Eternity

JPJOHNS 4/3/15

One day at a time

I am into my 2nd week on my new drug, Votrient.  I became Ill on the evening of day 4 with extreme nausea and a nagging sick headache.   The following day I woke up with the strangest pain.  Ribs 8 & 10 (which I fractured last year, were aching in an odd sort of way.  Additionally  my left shoulder, the sight of my first met 11 years ago, was also aching.   My right femur,  the 10 inch scar from my nephectomy, as well as a dull ache in my flank...all tender and/or aching.  Lastly my scalp, every inch of it felt  tender to the touch.   I have vowed not to resort to pain medication until absolutely  necessary.  On Tuesday morning I broke.  I asked my Oncologist for a pain med script.  It got me through  the night comfortably.  24 hours later most of the pain was gone.   Today, Thursday, I'm fighting a profound fatigue.  Pain is minimal  and nausea  is mild and brief.  I have not returned to work.  I plan to resume my work schedule next Monday.  
The above is the extent of my side effects so far.  I am in pretty good spirits.   I find myself now yearning for Spring.  I'm longing for some sunshine on my face and the golf course.  I'm feeling optimistic  for now, hopeful of a good response to the Votrient.  The side effects have been manageable.....more  so than the S.E.s of Nexavar.   I'm glad to have the nexavar part of my life behind me.  It was hard. This is all for now....taking it one day at a time,