At The Threshold

 Shall I struggle for that next breath or should I let go and give in to the amazing Peace that lies ahead?

By this time I have definite awareness of standing  apart from my body.   In the next moment I thought of my grandchildren and simultaneously rejoined my body.  All I wanted was to Live.  The decision was made in the blink of an eye.  It was December of 2018 and nothing has been the same since then.

If you don’t mind people looking at you as if you are a stark raving mad, tell them that you have had a near death experience. 

I live in a  nation  of various God worshiping faiths and yet there doesn’t seem to be much confidence at all in Life Everlasting.  I’m here to say,it’s real.  And to those who think is all a bunch of boloney…what a surprise you have in store for you.

Wishes, Regrets & Gratitude

My mind these days runs a mile a minute. There is that ever present fear of running out of time.  Does every moment count?  Sometimes it seems so.
And I wonder.....
What would my life be now if I'd had exposure, decades ago, to the beauty and peace of Islam/The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and where it all fits into the truth of progressive  revelation? It's been the missing piece all along.
I need to back up my narrative to 1976 when I was floundering in my Christian faith.  I want to tread lightly here as I would be horrified to think that I have undermined the faith of any my Christian friends.  I will state this vaguely by saying that logic & my own concept of God led me to question my faith.  It was at this time that I was introduced to the Baha'i Faith.  The pieces of my Christian faith began to fit into a bigger picture.  (Big sigh of relief for the much younger version of myself. )
My more recent history involves my  study of the Quran and the conviction that this too is a gift from God, as much as is the gift of Jesus (PBUH).  This is what I somehow missed all of these years.  I feel a bit sad and regretful. At the same time I am grateful for the gift of time that allows me to learn.
Why blog it?  I feel led to make this statement of faith
Time is running out.  Not just for me but for all of us. I leave this, in part, for my kids and grandkids that they have a deeper understanding of who I am. Also, selfishly, it just feels peaceful and right to be authentic in the expression of  my convictions.

Hanging On

Like most cancer warriors, hope is not consistent.  Some days a lot.  Some days not so much.   I discussed some persistent pain with my Onc. on Friday  He did physical exam and ordered an MRI. I went from there to the chemo room for treatment.  At this point I was hopeful.  Then I made my big mistake.  I logged into an interfaith discussion forum.  Unfortunately there was a "Christian" spewing some nastiness.  As I read her various comments I felt my faith and hope evaporating, negative energy replacing the good.  By the time I arrived home my thoughts were in the darkest of places.  How and with whom I spend my time matters.   I have several days to go until I my MRI. Scanxiety is in full bloom 😫

Lesson learned.  I need to take great care to avoid negative people, especially when the uncertainty of cancer is following me around like a gray cloud. 

One last thought about inter faith discussion.  When the discussion turns ugly how is this one bit different from the hideous religious wars that have gone on forever? It doesn't serve God in any way. Best to walk away and to do so quickly.

So, the sun is shining today.  I have my shorts on and intend to enjoy it.  Don't anybody worry about me.  It's a little bump in the road.  I made a mistake in not turning away from negative energy when I should have.  Live and learn, right?   

Sitting With Strong Determination

In the practice of Vipassana there is an exercise called 'Sitting with Strong Determination'.  The goal is to sit motionless (except for the motion required for respiration) with eyes closed for one hour.   Head, arms, hands and legs are held motionless. During this hour you are to observe your body's sensation without reacting.   Don't scratch the itch on your nose, don't adjust posture to address the pain in your back or the cramp in your leg.  Observe without reaction.  While observing these sensations without reaction we learn  an important lesson:  There is a rising and diminishing of all of our sensations.   We learn the temporary nature of  what we feel, physically and emotionally.  There is great value in knowing that 'all things pass'.

Meditating in this manner, without reaction, translates to real world/real life benefit.   It disciplines the mind to observe, without reaction,  the events occurring around us or to us.   The goal is to pause, consider if action is necessary and to anticipate the consequences before acting.   The goal is action, not reaction.

I am very much in the infancy of my practice of Vipassana.   Consistent   equanimity is still a goal.   I'm getting an occasional  experience of it here and there throughout the day.  It makes me hopeful.    Practice, practice, practice.

Each morning I practice Sitting with Determination for 1 full hour.  Again in the evening for 30 minutes.      I'll see where this  leads me in the coming years.   In the meanwhile I enjoy the deep, restful sense of peace that comes with meditation.  That in itself is reward enough.

Vipassana, a life changing experience.

I've been wanting to blog about my Vipassana experience in Washington.  I still cannot find the words.  This has been a life changing experience for me.  Expressing something  so monumentally significant in my life is challenging.  It might be impossible.

1. My experience of spending 10 days in the presence of evolving, thoughtful, beautiful humans was, in itself, completely worth the 1200 miles of driving and the investment of time.

2.  Vipassana meditation has given times of deep peace and clarity that I never experienced before in my life...ever.

3.  I have the means at my disposal to return to sanity and balance  any time the world overwhelms me. (If often does!)  I can find rest in this whenever I need.

4.  I understand that I am in the infancy of practice,

5.  I believe with every ounce of my soul that meditation has the potential the heal ALL  the ugliness in the world.

6.  To pray is to ask. .  To meditate is to listen.

7,  My experience of  life is deeper, richer and more joyful since beginning a meditation practice many years ago.  I can say with absolute honesty that it is so much more so after my 10 days in Washington.

My blog  is short and incomplete, for now.  I'm taking baby steps on a new path.  More to follow.

My son's 2nd grade teacher hurt his feelings. He is a grown man now and she is 6 feet under. I have not forgiven her. My meditation "guru" said that practice can be like lancing a wound. This one came up for me. How do I forgive someone who has hurt my child? Do I even want to? Meditation isn't always pretty. I left this fact out of my blog. I shouldn't have.

LIBERATION

BEFORE: Protestant, Christian, Methodist, all labels that I've worn over the years.    I was born into these labels, handed to me by my family, my community, my culture.  Born elsewhere in the world to a different set of parents, I might very well  have been Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu or atheist.   In recent years I have  needed my spirituality to be more than happenstance, a roll of the dice.  Coming nose to nose with my own mortality in my battle with cancer  has led me to look closer, think harder and longer about matters of the heart & soul.
 How dare I look beyond the religious lessons of my youth?  Rebel that I am, I have.   No regrets.

 The United Church of Christ in Fairfield Mt and St Pauls United Methodist here in Helena will always feel like home to me.  I have chosen to move on (move forward?).  I don't know the appropriate phrase to apply.  I will say though  that  I bring most of what I was as a  Christian along with me on this new journey. It will not be left behind in some forgotten place in my memories.

 I've come to realize that there is more.  Much more.

NOW:   I am free to honor that place, practice, belief, intellectual conclusion, emotional awareness  in others  that allows each  to connect  with the best part of themselves.   We are  all in search of this place, each in our own way.   From a spiritual perspective this has been liberating for me.  I've fallen in love with this feeling of liberation!  :)

Last night  I was reading parts of Book of Revelation.   It has always been the most confusing  book of the Holy Bible for me, making very little sense.  Now, for whatever reason, the puzzle pieces are (bit by bit) beginning to fit.  It's an exciting time for me.   I've been freed   from labels, expectations, and a  belief system  that I inherited and was never truly of my choosing.   I have so much more to learn and I need time.   At the end of the day, though, I know that I'll never have enough time here on earth to arrive at that place of awareness that feels like my destination.   A little more time, though, would sure be nice.

Today, 1 day after treatment,  I found enough energy get on my bike and go for a ride.  It was a beautiful morning.  Fall has definitely arrived.  The air was cool and my T shirt and sweatshirt were a perfect choice for the ride.  Several miles down the road, my thoughts cleared and this blog began to take shape in my head.  The clarity of thought that I experienced on my ride  evaporated before I began typing. Haha!  Does any of the above makes sense?  it doesn't matter if it makes no sense  at all.    My journey.  No one needs to understand it.  Maybe that's the point of my blog.  Each of us is  on their own journey.  Let's give each other space.  Can we do that for one another?

Random Thoughts of A Cancer Warrior

The worst of my thoughts come in the quiet of night when I awaken and I am momentarily unprotected by my fortress of optimism.  

I disappoint myself.  My mind says yes. My body says no.  If I can't rely on my body, the people in my life cannot rely on me. 

People  often forget that I have incurable cancer.  On good days, so do I, sometimes for hours at a time. 

I think of my cancer friends who have lost their battles.  I think of them every day.

I feel random moments of gratitude for my life multiple times a day.  It is my 1st thought in the morning, my last thought at night. 

How will I ever bear to leave my grandkids?  It is the worst of thoughts. 

I have learned to live in the present moment.  Most of the time. 

Living with uncertainly is a skill that requires practice.  It IS possible. 

Cancer has been my greatest teacher.
Cancer is lonely. 

I feel moments of JOY every single day.  Not just happiness, but joy.  The real deal.  Thank you, Cancer for that. 

Everyday is a lifetime.  I mean this in a good way.  Each day is an opportunity to live and be as I wish. 

When making future plans, anything beyond 6 months feels like foolish fantasy.  

I spend at least an hour everyday in prayer/meditation.  It's not enough.

If I outlive my husband, by some miracle, I will be mad. 

The tumor by my hip bone feels smaller.  Am I lying to myself?

Why did the tumor in my pancreas stop growing 4 years ago?  Why?

I've outlived my prognosis by 10 years.  Why am I still here?  

I am extraordinarily vulnerable when I don't feel well.  Most people  have respected that and tread lightly. Some have not. Forgiveness comes easily.  

Quality of life matters.  It is compassionate to let someone go when the time comes. 

I'll keep fighting.  For now.