A Prayer for My Grandkids

Over the past several weeks I have become increasingly upset about the ugliness of commercialism taking ownership of our holidays. How easily and willingly so many have given up the real joys of the season.
My prayer is that I be a better example to my Grandkids.  Thanksgiving weekend will be about this:

NOT this:

I vow not to sell my family short for the sake of saving a few bucks on a flat screen tv.....or whatever else I have deluded myself into believing will bring me any real happiness.   I vow to help the little ones in my life understand what is of lasting importance.  In the process I am bound to remind myself.   

This year begins a new John's Family tradition.  On "Black Friday" me and my Grand-daughter will drive right on past the madness and go to the food share to donate.   I will do my best to explain to her why this is the better choice.  As the years pass I hope the practice will make an impact on Cecelia, Mason and the grandkids to follow.  I will be one proud grandma if it does.

My prayer for my Grandkids is that they become more.  More than I have been in my lifetime.  More than the zillions of crappy examples of 'how not to be' that they will be surrounded by during their young impressionable years.  

I hope some will join me .  Put away the credit card and remember what is real about this coming Thanksgiving weekend.  Don't wait until you are dying to figure it out.  Please.

I Can't

In all this time since diagnosis in 2004 I have not used the word "can't".  I have stepped up to every challenge this disease has thrown my way.   Today I am saying it.  I can't.  I can't spend another night sleeping on the floor of my bathroom because I am too sick to be anywhere else.  I can't white knuckle  it through another 8 shift when I feel like hell. I can't pretend anymore that there aren't days that this disease is anything but the nightmare that it can sometimes be.  I can't pretend to the world around me that I will prevail and somehow, by some miracle beat the odds.

What I can do is go eye to eye with my oncologist and tell him that quality of life has become more important to me than an quantity.  I can insist on a different course of treatment, or no treatment at all.   I can say NO to those who whose aim is to argue and/or create stress or sadness in my life.   I can make a new plan, choose a new direction and create a somewhat altered life that accommodates my disease, my wishes and my heart.

I can find peace in letting go of people and things that no longer bring me happiness.  I can continue to choose and do so without apology.  I can make peace with my disease and the inevitability of death that we ALL face.

I am not defeated.  I am realistic.  I am embracing the entirety of what my life is.  Anything else is an abandonment of self (of sorts).

I CAN and I CAN'T.....all different parts of the same picture and it's okay.

:(

All night, sick.  All night, discouraged.  

Proverbs

Proverbs Chapter 24

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Viewing the Standard King James Version. Switch to the 1611 KJV Proverbs Chapter 24 or view a Proverbs 24 parallel comparison.

¹ Be not thou envious against evil men, neither desire to be with them.

² For their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk of mischief.

³ Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:

⁴ And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

⁵ A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.

⁶ For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is safety.

⁷ Wisdom is too high for a fool: he openeth not his mouth in the gate.

⁸ He that deviseth to do evil shall be called a mischievous person.

⁹ The thought of foolishness is sin: and the scorner is an abomination to men.

¹⁰ If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.

¹¹ If thou forbear to deliver them that are drawn unto death, andthose that are ready to be slain;

¹² If thou sayest, Behold, we knew it not; doth not he that pondereth the heart consider it? and he that keepeth thy soul, doth not he know it? and shall not he render to every man according to his works?

¹³ My son, eat thou honey, because it is good; and the honeycomb,which is sweet to thy taste:

¹⁴ So shall the knowledge of wisdom be unto thy soul: when thou hast found it, then there  shall be a reward, and thy expectation shall not be cut off.

¹⁵ Lay not wait, O wicked man, against the dwelling of the righteous; spoil not his resting place:

¹⁶ For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.

¹⁷ Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth:

I've been led to this place in Proverbs today, in that very unexpected way that it can happen at times.  Bits and phrases jump from  the page. Puzzle pieces begin to fit. There is counsel for me in the above verses from Proverbs.  Hmmm. :)

When the time comes

  Today I googled "life expectancy of stage IV kidney cancer patients."  At 5 years it is 8% survival.  What in the world am I doing still here 10 years post diagnosis?
Today's stomach ache began 5 days ago.  I am so very tired of being sick.  I am tired of fighting.  I want to be free of pain.  I want peace.   When the time comes, let me go.  I am weary of the battle.
In the meantime, if you have something rotten to say to me please feel free to shut the fuck up.  :)

When a Cancer Patient Falls

Today, the morning after my most recent stumble, I am reflecting on all that has happened.  A couple of things come to mind today.  The 1st is just how vulnerable  I am to the toxicity/lack of kindness  of others.  How quickly and easily it brings me to my knees.  I choose to allow myself this vulnerability.  It  is the key to a deeper, richer personal life.  Whom I have allowed access...well,  some reassessment is in order.    Some are not respectful of me or mindful of this cancer journey I am on.   There comes a time to walk away and not look back.
Secondly, I am reminded of how interlinked my emotional state is with my ability to fight cancer.  I woke up yesterday upset.  My stomach and bowels were tied in knots.  I threw up everything I swallowed, including water.  I finished the day 4 pounds lighter. Around 7 in the evening Kelly showed up with the antidote...my grandbaby. She wrapped her little arms around me and my stomach relaxed.  Shortly after, the pain was gone. Can love cure cancer? Maybe not, but it sure helps.
Thirdly, I logged into my Facebook account and found an abundance of support in the way of comments and private messages.  I am blessed more than I deserve in the way of friends.  I am grateful.  I am beyond grateful.
Lastly,  I must be more vigilant about where I invest my time and feelings.  I can't afford too many falls like yesterday.  I fear that I won't be able to pull myself to my feet again.  It's a dangerous place to be for someone who is fighting cancer.  It is a place where the temptation to give up is very real and very frightening.   I must not allow ANYONE to steal my determination to fight.
I am back on my feet again today.  I am again determined to keep on keeping on.

Dying is Such Sweet Sorrow

In the words of William Shakespeare, "Parting is such sweet sorrow."
Oh yes, it most certainly is that, and so much more.   I don't often talk of death, even though it is the final destination of my disease.  I do, however, think of it daily.  I think of it when I look up into the sky.  Whatever the weather, the sky is incredibly beautiful.  I think of it when I hold a grandbaby in my arms, or lift a fork full of potatoes and gravy to my mouth...heavenly.   I think of it in those last waking moments of the day as I cuddle between husband and dog in  perfect sleepy bliss.   If there is sweet sorrow in dying, it is in the letting go of these millions of moments in life that are so very perfect. It's in those millions of moments of small goodbyes.....those moments combined that  make this life of mine.
The joy and the gratitude overwhelms me.
Dying is such sweet sorrow.

Prickly Pear Creek

After a cup of tea, I headed out for a ride this morning. It was 37 degrees. I wore a short sleeve T, a polar fleece jacket and wind pants.  By the time I returned home an hour later my jacket was unzipped and pants rolled up to my knees.
The pictures  don't do justice to how beautiful is was out there this morning.  They don't do justice  to the sights, sounds, thoughts and emotions that I experienced.  This was a typical ride and it was extraordinary.

 

The Prickly Pear runs fast and violent in the Spring.   I am reminded that this place of so many lovely memories, for so many people has had its share of tragedy.

What kid raised in East Helena would not recognize this scene?

Hopefully my head is mostly clear of Today's fears.  I am heading for some quality time with my oncologist.  One would think that after all this time that I could take it in stride.  No so.  :)

$$ Can't Buy This

After a sweat drenched workout at the club, I hopped on my motorcycle for the 8 mile ride home.   I let the breeze and sweat cool me in the 65 degree weather.   Satisfaction of a good work out, a perfect Fall day, an appetite that I know I have earned.....aaaah.
Exercise  has breathed new life into this "maturing" marriage of mine.  What does a 66 year old guy do with his time?  Work out.  I haven't seen pecs, triceps or biceps like this on Bill since 1980.    As for me, I have regained most of what cancer stole from me 2 years ago.   I came home to a locked front door today.  No problem, I climbed an 8 ft. fence and crawled
thru the doggie door.  (Surprised Kaiser a bit). I am thrilled to be able to do these things.
Physical health and strength are worth more than a ton of gold to me.  Money can't buy this.