I Can't

In all this time since diagnosis in 2004 I have not used the word "can't".  I have stepped up to every challenge this disease has thrown my way.   Today I am saying it.  I can't.  I can't spend another night sleeping on the floor of my bathroom because I am too sick to be anywhere else.  I can't white knuckle  it through another 8 shift when I feel like hell. I can't pretend anymore that there aren't days that this disease is anything but the nightmare that it can sometimes be.  I can't pretend to the world around me that I will prevail and somehow, by some miracle beat the odds.

What I can do is go eye to eye with my oncologist and tell him that quality of life has become more important to me than an quantity.  I can insist on a different course of treatment, or no treatment at all.   I can say NO to those who whose aim is to argue and/or create stress or sadness in my life.   I can make a new plan, choose a new direction and create a somewhat altered life that accommodates my disease, my wishes and my heart.

I can find peace in letting go of people and things that no longer bring me happiness.  I can continue to choose and do so without apology.  I can make peace with my disease and the inevitability of death that we ALL face.

I am not defeated.  I am realistic.  I am embracing the entirety of what my life is.  Anything else is an abandonment of self (of sorts).

I CAN and I CAN'T.....all different parts of the same picture and it's okay.