One day at a time

I am into my 2nd week on my new drug, Votrient.  I became Ill on the evening of day 4 with extreme nausea and a nagging sick headache.   The following day I woke up with the strangest pain.  Ribs 8 & 10 (which I fractured last year, were aching in an odd sort of way.  Additionally  my left shoulder, the sight of my first met 11 years ago, was also aching.   My right femur,  the 10 inch scar from my nephectomy, as well as a dull ache in my flank...all tender and/or aching.  Lastly my scalp, every inch of it felt  tender to the touch.   I have vowed not to resort to pain medication until absolutely  necessary.  On Tuesday morning I broke.  I asked my Oncologist for a pain med script.  It got me through  the night comfortably.  24 hours later most of the pain was gone.   Today, Thursday, I'm fighting a profound fatigue.  Pain is minimal  and nausea  is mild and brief.  I have not returned to work.  I plan to resume my work schedule next Monday.  
The above is the extent of my side effects so far.  I am in pretty good spirits.   I find myself now yearning for Spring.  I'm longing for some sunshine on my face and the golf course.  I'm feeling optimistic  for now, hopeful of a good response to the Votrient.  The side effects have been manageable.....more  so than the S.E.s of Nexavar.   I'm glad to have the nexavar part of my life behind me.  It was hard. This is all for now....taking it one day at a time,

About Mom and the ending of life

I recall the exact moment when Mom chose to stop fighting her debilitating disease.   There had been a big family reunion, more elaborate than previous years.   It was a wonderful success and most certainly the fulfillment of one of Mom's wishes.    As the last car pull away afterwards, I watched her close her eyes and drop her chin to her chest for a moment of reflection.  I sat quietly with her, careful not to disturb.   When she raised her head I saw something different in her eyes.  The fear and exhaustion I had grown accustomed to seeing over the past year was replaced with a look of resignation and peace.   Even though I understood perfectly well what it meant, I found it a relief.  That reunion was her good bye to her family.  It was a wonderful goodbye.  It made her happy.
The biggest surprise at this time is that my father understood as well.  I had never thought him to be particularly in tune with, or observant of Mom's emotional needs.  I have to say that he came through for her when it meant the most.   He redeemed himself in my eyes (and perhaps hers as well) in that moment of clarity when he understood.
Mom lived another 3 months after this day.  These were high quality months in terms of our relationship.  I learned things about her that I did not know about her.  I'm left to wonder if this was because she had become more willing to share her inner self or whether I had at last gained enough maturity to listen in a way that she needed me to listened.  That remains an unanswered question.  It was during these final months that I learned how deep Mom's faith in God was.  It was most certainly a comfort to her at the end of her life.  I find comfort in knowing that she was at peace as the end drew near for her.  I hope I can leave this life with the same degree of peace and dignity.

A bump in the road.

I suppose that an update is in order now that my scan results are complete.  Of greatest concern is a mass in my pelvic area, more specifically my psoas muscle.   My oncologist has also expressed concerned about growing lung nodules.  I'm questioning his accuracy on this, at the moment.
Obviously the Nexavar is not effective on muscle based tumors.  It's time for a new drug and a new approach. On Monday my new drug, Votrient will be available to me.   First dose will be bedtime Monday night.  The side affects appear to be quite similar to Nexavar.  Ill soon find out if that is the case for me.
Emotionally, I am doing reasonably ok.  It's another bump in the road, but I'm still full of fight.  I will battle the beast with as much enthusiasm as I have in the past.
Lastly I need to comment on the impact that cancer has had on my relationships.  In observing people's reactions to my illness, I have learned a lot about the quality of my relationships with them.  There is a fairly long list of individuals who messaged me after scans inquiring about results.   There are some who have yet to indicate any interest.  My kids rallied around me and lifted me up during the time of shock after receiving awful news.  There are others whom I counted on in the past who are conspicuously absent.  And it's fine.  I'm afraid I've been oh so guilty in the past of asking more of certain people than they really wished to give.  Somehow I have managed to grow enough personally that I'm no longer experiencing pain or disappointment over these things.  It is what it is and people are who they are.  I have come to accept the death of these relationships.  I am at peace.
As I am still reeling a wee bit, emotionally, this blog entry may reflect that some.  More later, after the dust settles.